The Joke Thread!

[crocket]

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[crocket]

Humor Moderator Jokes ***

1. How many humor moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. They think the world revolves around them.

2. Why don't humor moderators like making Look-Aid? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

3. Why did the humor moderator climb the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

4. What do humor moderators and cow pies have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

5. Why do humor moderators like tilt steering wheels? More head room!

6. Why don't humor moderators eat pickles? Because they get their heads stuck in the jar.

7. Why do humor moderators wear panties? To keep their ankles warm.

8. What do humor moderators say after making love? "are you boys all on the same team?"

9. How does a humor moderator turn on a light after sex? She opens the car door.

10. What do humor moderators and turtles have in common? Once on their back, they're screwed.

11. What's the mating call for a humor moderator? "I think I'm drunk!"

12. What's the mating call for a brunette? "has the humor moderator gone home yet?"

13. Why do humor moderators wash their hair in the sink? What's where you wash vegetables.

14. Why does the humor moderator have TGIF written on here tennis shoes? "Toes Go In First."

15. What do humor moderators and beer bottles have in common? their both empty from the neck up.

16. How do you give a humor moderator a brain transplant? Blow in her hear.

17. How do you get a humor moderator's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

18. What do you call a zit on a humor moderator's butt? A brain tumor.

19. What's the advantage of being married to a humor moderator?
You can park in a handicapped zone.

20. How do you make a humor moderator laugh on a Monday morning?
Tell her the joke on a Friday afternoon.

21. If a humor moderator and a brunette jumped off a 20-story building at the same time, who would hit the ground first? The brunette. The humor moderator would stop and ask for directions.

22. How can you tell that a humor moderator has had a bad day?
She has a tampon behind her ear, and she doesn't know what she did with her pencil.

23. What does a humor moderator say after multiple orgasms? "Way to go team!"

24. How can you tell if a humor moderator owns a vibrator?
Chipped teeth.

25. Why did the humor moderator have square breasts? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

26. How can you tell that a humor moderator has been using your computer? There's White-out all over the screen.

27. Why do humor moderators have so much free time? Because so little is expected of them.

28. Why do you call a brunette standing between two humor moderators? An interpreter.

29. How many humor moderators does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Three. One to mix the batter, two to peel the M&M's.

30. How do you drive a humor moderator insane? Ask her to alphabetize your M&M's.

31. How do you keep a humor moderator baby amused? Give her a mirror and some makeup.

32. What do you call a humor moderator wearing a brunette wig?
Artificial Intelligence.

33. What do you call a humor moderator with a dollar bill on top of her head? All you can eat for under a buck.

34. Why is it so difficult for a humor moderator to get a driver's license? They can't reach the pedals from the back seat.

35. How many humor moderators does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. They only screw in cars.

36. What's the difference between a humor moderator and a Ferrari?
You can usually find a guy who hasn't been in a Ferrari.

37. What do you call three humor moderators standing shoulder to shoulder, ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

38. What's the first thing a humor moderator does in the morning?
She goes home.

39. Why did god give humor moderators one more brain cell than a horse? So whey they're waving in a parade, they won't crap in the street.

40. How do you tell if a bleached humor moderator did your landscaping? The bush in front is a different color than the other foliage.

41. What did the humor moderator have tattooed on her inner thigh?
"Welcome home, troops of Desert Storm."

42. What's the similarity between a humor moderator and a plate of Jello? They both quiver when you eat them.

43. What do you call a humor moderator with a PhD in nuclear engineering? Honey.

44. How does a humor moderator know that she's slept with an elephant?
a) The smell of peanuts on his breath
b) She's pregnant for 23 months, and
c) The big "E" on his pajamas

45. What's the best way to murder a humor moderator? Put a scratch-n-sniff on the bottom of a swimming pool.

46. What's the difference between humor moderators and whores?
humor moderators have more money, humor moderators skirts are shorter, and humor moderators wiggle more when they walk.

47. What's the difference between a humor moderator and a brunette whore? The color of her hair.

48. Did you hear about the humor moderator that liked younger men?
She started sleeping with Cub Scouts, but her doctor made her quit when she got up to three Packs a day.

49. humor moderators put perfume behind their ears. What do brunettes have to put behind their ears to attract men? Their knees.

50. Why did the humor moderator have a sore belly button? Her boyfriend was a humor moderator too.

51. Is it true that humor moderators have more fun? No, but their boyfriends do!

52. What do you call fifteen humor moderators standing in a circle? A dope ring.

53. If Tarzan and Jane were humor moderators, what would Cheetah be? The smartest of the three.

54. What would have happened if Pee Wee Herman were humor moderator? He would have had something better in his hand.

55. What would the press have called Jeffrey Dahmer if he were humor moderator? That silly psychopathic murderer.

56. Why is it so hard to teach a humor moderator to drive? They keep getting in the back seat, and they think the steering wheel's a clothes rack.

57. What do you call a prostitute and three humor moderators?
Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks.

58. What do a peroxide humor moderator and a 747 have in common?
They both have black boxes.

59. What do you do when a humor moderator throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

60. How do you kill a humor moderator? Put spikes on her shoulder pads.

61. Two humor moderators were walking along and cam to some tracks. One humor moderator said "Those look like deer tracks."
And the other said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They were both still arguing when the train hit them.

62. What's the difference between a humor moderator and a bowling ball? You can only fit three fingers into a bowling ball.

63. What do you call a group of humor moderators in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

64. What did the humor moderator call her pet zebra? Spot.

65. What do you call 1,000 humor moderators at the bottom of the sea? A good start.

66. What do you call a humor moderator with an I.Q. of 250? A crowd.

67. Why don't humor moderators wear hooped earrings? Because they get their heels caught in them.

68. What's the difference between a humor moderator and a brick?
A brick won't follow you around after you lay it.

69. What do a humor moderator and a computer have in common? You don't really appreciate them until they go down.

70. Did you hear about the humor moderator that was driving from New York to California, who kept seeing the sign "Clean Rest Rooms Ahead?" It took her three weeks to get there.

71. Did you hear about the humor moderator going to California?
She saw a sign that said, "California Left," so she went home.

72. What do you call an intelligent humor moderator? A golden retriever.

73. Why don't humor moderators become pharmacists? They can't figure out how to get that little bottle in the typewriter.

74. Why did the humor moderator get fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away all of the W's.

75. Why can't humor moderators make ice cubes? Thy don't know the recipe.

76. What did the humor moderator say when she found out she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

77. Why was the humor moderator grabbing at the air? She was trying to collect her thoughts.

78. Why did the humor moderator wear condoms in her ears? So she wouldn't get hearing aids.

79. What is the difference between an intelligent humor moderator and bigfoot? Bigfoot has been sighted.

80. Why didn't the humor moderator like duck hunting? She couldn't throw her lab high enough.

81. How did the humor moderator die smoking when she was driving down the freeway? She threw the wrong butt out of the window.

82. Two humor moderators were driving along and the one humor moderator asked the other to check and see if her turn signal was working. The other replied, "It is, it isn't, it is, it isn't, it is,..."

83. Why did the humor moderator keep driving around the block?
her turn signal was stuck.

84. What do humor moderators like that is six inches long and has a head on it? A hundred dollar bill.

[CNFD]

Want a joke?





Womens rights.

[crocket]

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

[Himself™]

You's a sick sick sick puppy!:vomitsmiley:

[Himself™]

LEARNING TO CUSS


A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
'You know what?' says the 6 year-old. 'I think it's about time we
started cussing.'

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm
gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'.
The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

She locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay in there until I
let you out.'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios.'

[EPVQ30]

lmao!

[crocket]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[EPVQ30]

ha ha ha ha ha. poor bastard!

[EPVQ30]

i used to be a baker but i quit the business...
.. i got tired of the dough.

[crocket]

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

[crocket]

Knock knock

who’s there?

who

who who?

what are you a fucking owl?

[crocket]

Men drive too fast we are told because the car is thought to be an extension of the penis.
Surely if that was true they would just spend all day backing it in and out of the garage or perhaps polishing it by hand.

[crocket]

A homeless person (known as a hobo) was extremely desperate for sex. He had no friends whatsoever and knew nobody. He only had $2 on him.

One fine day he decided to go to a "Whore House" where he could buy a whore and fuck the shit out of her. When he arrived at the Whore House, he asked the man working there, "excuse me, I am a hobo and I am desperately looking for sex. May I please buy one of your whores for an hour?" The man working there replies, "sure what type? blonde or brunette?" The hobo says "Whichever is the cheapest." That will be $100 sir. The hobo was sad and said sorry I only have $2. The man working there says sorry man... to cheap. The hobo was really sad. Then the man working there says ok man... you can fuck one of my whores for $2 if you walk down the south corrider, open the first door to your right, switch off the light and wear a black condom. The hobo was like RIGHT ON... handed over the $2 and followed the mans instructions.

After an hour the hobo comes out and says... dude thank you so much... that was fucking great sex i have ever had! the man says no problem man anytime... the hobo then asked... dude why did i have to switch off the light? and why the fuck did i have to wear a black fucking condom? the man working there says.... DUDE... YOU GOTTA SHOW SOME RESPECT FOR THE DEAD!!!

[crocket]

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

[Himself™]

Little Johnny kicks ass :lol:

[crocket]

Three engineers Joe, Bob and Tim were talking about how stupid their wifes can be.
Joe; "My wife is so stupid that she bought pet equipments and we have no pets!"
Bob;"My wife is so stupid she bought a dish washer to our cottage and we do not even have electricity there!"
Tim;"My wife is the most stupid, she is going on a one week trip to Europe and she bought condoms - and she does not have a dick!"

[MsButterfli]

a blonde was on her way to Disneyland and she saw a sign that read "Disneyland Left" so she started crying and turned around and went home

*insert rimshot here* lol

[crocket]

young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.

"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.

"magic apples", the old man replied.

"Prove it", said the young man.

"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.

"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.

The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.

The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.

The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.

The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.

"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.

The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.

He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".

The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

[crocket]

Knock,knock.
Who’s there?
Jamaica.
Jamaica who.?
Didja make yur bed this morning?


Knock,knock.
Whos there?
Juan.
Juan who?
Wanna come out and play?

Knock,knock!
Whos there?
Ayatollah.
Ayatollah who ?
I a toldja yesterday that I was sick !

[crocket]

A man walking down the street sees a sign on the side walk " HAND JOB
$100" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady behind the counter "
"100 bucks for a hand job thats a rip off. "
She replies "Come over here see that BMW parked over there, I paid for
that in cash by my hand jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the best hand job he
has ever had.
Two weeks later he’s walking down the same street and sees another sign
that reads"BLOW JOB $250" so he walks in the shop and says to the lady
behind the counter"250 bucks for a blow job thats a rip off"
She replies "Come over here see that huge boat down on the harbor, I
paid for that in cash by my blow jobs"
The man thinks then hands over the cash and gets the most amazing
blow job he’s ever had.
Same man power walks down the street no sign this time, he walks
straight into the shop anyways.
He says to the lady "I’ve had you hand job and your blow job but this time i
want the full deal"
The lady replies "come over here" He moves over with a huge grin on his
face"See that huge mansion on the water front " he starts to nod his head
still with the stupid grin on his face , then she says
"Well if i had a pussy I could have paid for that in cash"

[crocket]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[crocket]

Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[crocket]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

[crocket]

A young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.

Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.

D*ck: OK lads we are going to a party tonight.
1st Ball: You mean you are.
D*ick: What do you mean, you’re invited too.
2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking.

[crocket]

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always

sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a

series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:



1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against

the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much

worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well

again. I don’t want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass

[crocket]

Hard times

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[crocket]

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

[crocket]

An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.

The doctor replied, "If she won't come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home. If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you've said. If she doesn't hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she does hear."

Armed with this information, he sets off home. Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door. Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Still no response; so he enters the kitchen,and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Again she doesn't respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

With that she reels around and shouts at him, "Bangers and mash, for the fourth f..king time, you deaf bastard!"

[crocket]

There was a place crash in Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[crocket]

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

[Kohkane]

Why cant Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken cums in another box. :lol:

[crocket]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"